Last weekend was a complete shit show… like stealing an egg from your in-laws house while you’re over because you need one more for your cake, and simply running to the store is out of the question when you’re ready to pull your hair out. I’ll be real honest; it was the first time I’ve cooked for roughly 16 people. Wowzas I need some lessons.

But at the end of the day what really matters is having family all together to celebrate an important and special day to us. The hubs turned 25!! It’s not every day you reach such a milestone ;)

 

We started our weekend out with French toast and homemade berry syrup. I’m only slightly embarrassed to admit I can eat it straight out of the jar…YUMM! I baked and baked some more in preparing for our Sunday Supper that we were hosting for Austin’s birthday.

Saturday night we went out to one of our favorite local pubs with a group of great friends. You get your beer served in a huge fishbowl glass here, wish I had a picture but you will soon see I failed miserably at taking pictures this year. Austin had a great night with our friends, and I’m glad I planned our dinner out even though he said at first he hadn’t wanted to make a big deal out of his birthday this year.

Sunday came and with it went my sanity. I had to quadruple my recipe and it ended up taking an extra hour to cook than I had anticipated. Ohh lawdy. Luckily no flare ups occurred. I think everyone could tell I was on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Hosting that many people was new territory for me. I love a good dinner party and cocktails but usually they’ve been catered or potluck style. This year was entirely homemade and that’s the way I honestly like it.

Being in charge of taking pictures and videotaping for our home video collection was difficult! I think in the future I’ll hand one of those duties over to someone else because I failed at getting hardly any pictures. Oh well… ya win some ya lose some.

I made a double layered homemade chocolate chip cookie cake with chocolate icing and chocolate cupcakes. One thing I love about birthdays ever since I was young my Mom always insisted on baking our cakes, and it’s something I plan to continue with my own family. I think there is something so much more special about the labor of love put into baking your own cake for your loved one. And I love decorating them!

Austin built a bar that we used for our reception at the farm, and we’ve planned on putting it in our home just as soon as we get a bigger house. The one we are in now simply has no room for a bar area. Instead I use a little bar tray/cart I’ve made. I at least got a photo of the tray. We started with tequila sunrises with brunch, and later I made twisted teas (aka Arnold Palmers), which felt suiting since we had a 50' heat wave and served his beers of choice.

 

I’d say about half way through the day I threw in the towel and just let what be, be. I’m a perfectionist and I’m the first to say it. I had high hopes of capturing every little detail while enjoying everyone’s company, and simply marveling at my newly 25 year old hubby. It just didn’t happen like that. I didn’t get the photos I wanted, we barely have a home movie for his birthday this year, and my meal took an hour longer than I anticipated. Through it all though he reassured me everything was fine and made me laugh at myself about how worked up I got over it all.

Definitely a weekend for the books. I’m sure just another memory we’ll tell our kids about someday when mama and daddy realized again we “live for little moments like that.”

We love our favorite guy! And I'm pretty grateful I have these two lovies in my life that constantly remind me to slow down and remember the best moments in life are the little ones. After all, those little ones end up being the big ones guys!

5 on FRIDAY y'all!

My first dabble at the 5 on Friday with some of my favorite blogging ladies, A. Liz Adventures & Carolina Charm and the gang. Some of the lovely ladies I follow post to this series and I love reading it. I’m tellin ya it puts you in a good mood just day dreaming about the upcoming weekend! So, I figured why not start today, well with this being a pretty important weekend and all. It’s the hubs 25^th birthday. A quarter of a century old and he said he wasn’t in the mood for celebrating it this year. Umm, does he know me at all? Well, I took his word for it but still planned a little party of 6 dinner out with our best friends! Turns out on Tuesday the hubs changed his mind and decided he’d like to have his parents, grandparents, my parents, his brother, my two sisters, and our bestest friends over for Sunday Supper (which we usually do with either side of our family each Sunday) and drinks. Okkkkay Austin, it’s Tuesday and knowing my “Type A” style that ain’t enough time to put a whole dinner party together. I guess St. Patty’s décor will have to do as Birthday Décor for the old fart ;)

O N E

I’m pretty grateful I’m a craft hoarder because I had plenty of things stocked up to whip up some Birthday crafts for the Mr. I made a cake topper, festive garland, got my chalkboard all decked out in birthday blissness, and pulled out all of my dinner party essentials (cake platter, serving platters, bar cart necessities, etc) As you can tell I’m clearly a Southern girl at heart living in the wrong area. I’ve got the party planning gene!

T W O

Pretty perfect day, I got in my car around 11:30 and the temp is at 46’ can I get an AMEN?! This bipolar Midwest weather isn’t doing this lady one bit of good in the mood department. We LOVE the snow for what it means to us but just as much if not more, I love the summer sun hitting my skin. And this girl needs a tan. Come on spring, we’re ready for ya.

T H R E E

Families. Two sides. Lawwd help me now. Sometimes, the saying can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em just couldn't be more true. Don’t get me wrong our families get along great and we all love each other so much as if it were one family. However, getting all of these people under one roof that are as opinionated and out spoken as they are… I’m sure there will be a flare up or two. And it may just come from me, the chef. I love getting everyone together under one roof, especially when it’s under ours. Something about neutral territory for me makes me feel like I’m in control LOL ;) Just wait for Monday when I rehash this bash, I bet there’ll be a comment or two thrown in from Grandma, Ohh Hill that’s not the right platter for that. Dear, why didn’t you use this instead of that? Praying for patience now…

F O U R

Starbucks. Do I really need to say more? Getting my house and this party ready in time will be a full blown miracle. We I don’t do things small around here. I go all out, regardless of the occasion. So I had a few St. Patty’s day things here and there but actually hosting a supper party and Bday bash… there needs to be more. We’ll see if it happens since this weekend is already jammed pack. Starbucks will be the one to get me through!

F I V E

Best Friends. Ours are simply the best. Tim & Kelsey have known my husband for years. They went to grade school together. So, when we began dating they quickly became great friends of mine as well. Now, I call Kels about once a week and we text daily. They’re expecting their first baby girl in July! And though I couldn’t be more excited for them it has been difficult here and there helping her with things when I should be about due with my Lylah girl. These two people have helped us beyond belief. I have no words for their genuine love and grace. Can’t wait to put our party hats on and celebrate together this weekend. No tears here just smiles and lots of laughs to be had.

Hope you have a wonderful weekend friends!

xoxo

Little Things Like Family Photos & Mice

 The first week of February we got the chance to take some family photos with our wedding photographer. We love that we’ve been able to include her in all of our ups and downs. She’s been there through it all. 

Last weekend we got to view our images and select the ones we wanted. It was such an odd feeling picking which photo captured us the best in this season of our lives.

 

I think this one nails it on the head. We’re getting past the grief. We’re happy. But we carry the weight of Lylah everywhere we go, every single day. We were racking our brains trying to figure out how to go on from this point. How do we include our baby that isn't here yet, is such a huge part of our lives? Do we include her crystal angel ornament in every Christmas card now? I guess whatever feels right at the time is what we'll do.

When we went to take these pictures it was snowing. Y'all know what the snow means for us.. so that was a pretty clear sign that she made her presence known in these family photos. That and that I wanted her ornament hanging from a tree branch like she dropped down from the sky just to say hello. 

I seriously can't help but smile when I look at this picture!

 

I couldn’t be more grateful for Nicole, our photographer and her beautiful talent. She’s been there for our engagement, our wedding, the loss of our daughter, and us now. It’s amazing how something that seems so trivial now; like picking a wedding photographer, ended up impacting us so much more than we ever thought it could have. Our photographer found out she was pregnant with twins several months before our wedding day. We were thrilled for her but also were worried she’d go into labor before our wedding and not be able to shoot it for us. We all prayed because she was an important part of our day. She ended up going into labor much earlier than expected, 24 weeks. Which I’ve mentioned before the survival rate is 10% and with twins that already makes for a not so great situation. She and both boys ended up very healthy and happy. It was a long road in the NICU but I can promise it has made her that much more of a better mother and person. So, these pictures for us mean so much more than I could ever describe. This woman has been there through it all, and has left a much bigger impact than I could have ever anticipated.

And I guess it also makes you stop and realize it’s the little things when your pup comes running up to the back door barking to be let back in… with a dead carcass mouse hanging from her mouth.

Luckily, this isn’t my first rodeo. We have a field that pretty much lines up with our back yard so we get the occasional mouse in the yard here and there. Just not usually in the 9’ weather with snow on the ground… GROSS Jessie Mae, just gross!

Love in Motherhood: Letting Go

This is the final post for the series, Love in Motherhood over at Home Away From Home, A Mama Collective, Defining My Happy, and When At Home.

Although, I really doubt this is the last time I write about love in motherhood.

Letting go of Lylah was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Giving my nurse the nod to make the call. For her to tell the funeral home to come and pick her up. I remember that part like it was yesterday. I chose to have Lylah stay with us that night in the hospital. I wasn’t ready. I couldn’t let her go just yet. The next morning we were being discharged, and I had the strongest urge in my heart that I needed to hold her until they came for her. Holding her lifeless body until they came was all I could do to protect her anymore. So we waited. We prayed. We held her. And I relentlessly told her how much I loved her.

All of us as mothers will at one point have to relentlessly tell our babies how much we love them as we let them go. Whether it is when you send them off to school, they go off to college, as you watch their daddy walk them down the aisle, or you bury them. It’s all hard. Letting go is so very hard, no matter the circumstance.

This woman, I can’t remember her name, but she was in charge of the hospital, she came in with a little brown wicker basket lined with a baby blanket.

My throat closed up and my eyes stung so badly. The tears began to well in my eyes again and then I felt them fall. I had to tell myself to stop. I needed to focus on her face. I buried my soaked face in hers and kissed her forehead. Please always know mommy loves you more than you could ever imagine. Jesus will take care of you now, both your great nanas and papas are there. Both your great aunts and your great uncle. There are so many people waiting at the gates for you. I know they showed you a wonderful welcome. Tell them hello.

Lylah mama and daddy need you now. We need you to help us. Send us signs to let us know you’re here with us. God knows I already miss you. I’m trying so hard to memorize your smell, your features, everything. But I need help. I need you to reassure me when I get so sad I can’t breathe that you’re here baby.

I re-swaddled her in her pink hospital blanket. She was wearing a tiny white dress with a pink rose near the collar; it had lace and pink ribbon trim that tied in a bow, and a matching hat.

I remember the woman said oh, she’s just beautiful. I’m so sorry. She sat the basket down on my hospital bed. We placed her in it. And then before I could open my eyes again the woman slipped out the door.

And I sobbed. Harder than I ever have. And Austin held me and cried and stroked my hair. Oh, I remember this like it was yesterday.

 One of the questions I asked after getting home from the hospital was I’m still a mama right? I asked Austin, my mom, my mother in law. They all said of course you are Hill, she was your baby. You loved her. You took care of her. Just because she’s gone doesn’t mean you aren’t her mama anymore.

So…

What makes a mother?

Do you have to go through child birth?
Do you have to be pregnant?
Do you have to have your kids here daily to take care of?

I don’t think any of those things.

You may have miscarried your baby.
You may have adopted or had a surrogate.
And you may have buried your baby.

But you’re still a mother.

A mother is someone who has felt that indescribable love for a little life they so desperately prayed, wished, hoped, and longed for.

A mother is someone whose arms may be empty.
Who may never have even seen their baby.

While many define themselves as mothers by taking care of their kids each day, I can’t define myself that way because my baby isn’t here to do those things.

But I believe I’m a mother.

I take care of her grave.
I still pray over her every day.
All I get may be visiting her grave but that makes me just as
much a mother as anyone else.

I’ve buried my baby.

I don’t think you need to find what defines you as a mother.
I think you need to find what you love about being a mother.

I love being Lylah’s mama. I LOVE making this little girl’s name known. I will talk about her until I’m blue in the face.
Her short life, her memory makes me a mother.

I loved her before I even knew her. I loved her from the time I saw two pink lines on that stick. I loved her from the moment I said, “I do” to her daddy on that alter. Because by saying, “I do” it meant saying, “I will” to a life full of love together creating our family and building our dreams. Even through the pain.

My beautiful baby girl, your mama loved you before you were ever born.
The moment I laid my eyes on you everything changed in my heart.

I’m a mama and I’m more than honored and proud to be Lylah Grace’s mommy.

Because that baby girl deserves the honor.
God deserves the glory.

My story isn’t over, it’s only begun and I have Lylah to thank for that.
Her and God.

Wonderfully and fearfully made.

Forever my baby,
as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be.

“So now you see what makes a Mother – It’s the feeling in your heart.
It’s the love you had so much of, right from the very start.”
Author unknown