I wasn’t sure how I was going to write this post. Or how would be the appropriate way to introduce my blog, I kept coming back to the reason I had in starting it in the first place. I wanted to document my journey through being a first time mama. I didn't want to forget a single thing. Why now? Two months after. I can hear Him calling to me telling me to “Tell it.” I have a story. My family has a story. This life I have I’m still here... living it because He wasn’t ready for me to go. Even though, he was ready to bring my baby Home to Him. I guess sometimes that’s the hardest part, thinking about lying in that hospital bed crying out to God, no I’m not ready to give her back. When I was ready and willing to give up my own life so she could live. That wasn’t His plan. Let’s face it, we all know the saying, you wanna hear God laugh just tell him your plans. Well, I gave him a good laugh. My type A personality with 100’s of lists, Lylah’s nursery was half ready, we had a crib, I had been crafting for weeks, and I even learned how to make my own adorable headbands. God whispered to me, “Tell it.”

I’m not in control. Gosh, that’s a really hard pill to swallow isn’t it? When you realize you’re not in control it’s like a ton of bricks hit you. I can’t do this on my own. I certainly can’t accept or understand why this happened without putting everything I have into my faith in Christ. There’s simply no explanation good enough for me except this: Lylah was never mine. She was always His. I realized this a while ago reading a devotional. God gave us Lylah to take care of while she was here. To show her love and care. But my sweet girl was always God’s daughter. He just needed her more than we did because she had already felt everything she needed to, and he had things for us that we needed to feel yet. I believe by calling Lylah home before we ever got to see her first steps or hear her first words he was teaching us to trust in his plan. Believe in his glory. By giving us this story it made us abundantly present in Him. So, that we can tell our story and show others God’s hand in everything.

 

This life I have and my story and everything I’ve been through means something. And not just to me. I’m starting a new chapter. Where this leads or what it means exactly I’m not sure. There were many people who wanted to give me advice after I lost Lylah and to tell you the truth none of it helped. But what did was reading a couple blogs of Mama’s who lost their babies. I always followed a handful of these blogs because I loved reading about products, and what these Mama’s were doing with their littles. It became a part of my routine to log on and check out what had happened over the week with some of these families in anticipation of my own little one. I remember a couple days after losing Lylah lying on the couch I felt an urge to read one of those blogs again, so I did. I was reading the comments and stumbled upon another blog Mama who I hadn’t read before. And it was there that I read such inspirational words of Hope. She was a loss Mama too. In fact she was a loss Mama more than once… and my heart and eyes just swell full of emotion. She helped me with her words of Hope in my darkest hours. So, that’s what I’m doing here. My journey is certainly far from over. I’m definitely not over the sting of the pain. I’ve accepted and am ready to move on but the pain, I think that will always be here. That isn’t going away. But I’m beginning to let go and that’s all I really wanted out of this. Even if I just touch one woman. Reach one couple in their darkest hours or sooth one family’s troubling fears and anger… it will have all been worth it. God told me to tell it. So I am. One day at a time. One chapter at a time. From one season of my life to the next.

 

 

How it all began

I met my husband at the bar I was working at before my junior year of college began. It was June. I was working on the patio where we had sand volleyball league playing. This country lookin’ boy walked through the door wearing some tight dirty old Levi’s and cowboy boots with a cutoff on. Oh my, my heart literally skipped a beat. He strutted right up to the table of guys I was bringing a bucket of beers to and he sat down. The entire night his eyes never left mine. I have never felt chemistry like what we had, or I should say have. Each time I’d walk by he’d stop me and ask a question. Once he asked if I liked country music.. I said yes it was my favorite of course. He told me that weekend he was going to see Kenny Chesney. I was jealous. He asked what my favorite drink was, what color I liked, I think just about anything to make me stop to talk to him for even a second. Finally, the last question he asked me before I brought their bill out to them was if he could see me again sometime. I told him I worked Tuesday night out on the patio again, and if he remembered after his long weekend out of town to come in and sit at one of my tables… then he’d see me again. I printed out his bill and for some reason, I’m not sure what came over me I wrote at the top “See ya Tuesday” with my phone number. That was SO unlike me. I noticed too in my pad of paper I sat down at their table for a second delivering drinks that he must have wrote his name and number down because there it said: “Austin, the guy that likes you” with his phone number. (Today, those first little notes we wrote to each other are framed in our bedroom) Tuesday night rolled around and I surely thought I’d never see this guy again. Around 8 o’clock I heard a couple of guys laughing as the door opened and boots on the concrete. I looked over and it was him. He stopped in front of me and said “Hey there, which tables are yours?” When I didn’t answer right away he got a little closer and said “I told ya I wanted to see you again.” Just like that I was hooked. He asked me to be his girlfriend probably about 20 times before I finally said yes. We both knew instantly that this was it for each other. We got engaged moved into a tiny 600 sq. foot apartment, I bought him a puppy for his birthday 3 months later, and we got married October 13, 2012 and moved into our town house shortly after.

Fast forward to July ‘13 where we spent most of our days drinking on the boat and cuddling by the fires in our yard. We had been “trying” I guess you could say since December with no such luck. We decided to pull the goalie then and couldn’t wait to start a family together. I decided to take a test I had only been a few days late. But sure as shit, there it was. I didn’t believe it at first because I didn’t want to get my hopes up, and the second line was a little faint. So, I took a total of 5 tests… yup. Definitely bun in the oven. I had been brainstorming cute ways to tell the hubby before even getting pregnant and now that it was here I was blank. We had some sunflower seeds... I had read that at this point that’s how big the baby was. I waited for Austin to get home and told him I had something to show him. I held out my hand and told him to open it. He said, “It’s just a seed, what’s this for.” I told him well, babe that’s how big our baby is right now. He looked at me with wide eyes, “Are you shitting me?” And then got choked up with so much happiness he picked me up span me around and kissed my belly. A lot has changed in the last six months and I guess I began blogging to help myself through this new season of our lives. 

Because that’s what life is a mix of different seasons. This season will pass and new challenges, adventures, hardships, laughs, and joy will arise. I hope you’ll follow along!