I wish this Wednesday for It’s The Little Things link up with Jess & Ashley I could share some beautiful moment I had with my family or a photo that brought a ray of sunshine to my day in my previous week, but today my heart is heavy. And the only ray of sunshine I can feel is the glimmer of hope I am desperately clinging to.

Last weekend a very dear friend from high school was in a car accident caused by a drunk driver. He sustained several injuries and was rushed to the hospital. Within minutes they began operating on his brain. Later we learned, the woman that hit my friend along with 3 young women was driving under the influence (twice the legal limit) she didn’t believe she drove and didn’t remember getting in the vehicle, she also ran a red light going roughly 45-60 mph in a 30 mph zone and t-boned the car my friend was in. He was on the side of most impact. He has undergone now two brain surgeries but is responding to stimuli. Which is a VERY good sign in this situation.

As the hours and days progressed we learned he suffered a stroke but his diligently working nurses and doctors were optimistic and hopeful for his survival. Although, he had been in a coma from the beginning. It wasn’t until yesterday that we learned otherwise. My friend suffered another massive stroke Monday night that caused him to lose complete function of the right side of his brain and severely damaging the left side. A few hours later he was pronounced brain dead. It wouldn’t be long before he passed away we were told, and they wanted his family to consider organ donation. Because he's so young and his heart and lungs were stable they don't know exactly when he'll go. They gave him a mere couple days at the most. But definitively said he will not survive this.

My dear friend was a year younger than me but was a part of a group of friends that we all considered family. He majored in exercise science and had just been accepted to Medical School. He wanted to practice sports medicine. Writing this alone is breaking my heart that he’ll never have that opportunity. This man was SO loved, I mean I can’t even describe to you how much. He had the most infectious smile and laugh. All he had to do was smile and an entire room lit up around him. He had a very strong faith and was always willing to say a prayer for one in need. He even encouraged the boys on his high school and college baseball teams to pray before every practice and game. It became a wonderful tradition so many of our “friend-family” began doing. I never realized how close knit of a family we were then until leaving high school and moving our separate ways. Now coming back to my hometown and settling down it all is so clear to me. My best friends have all grown so much over the years, and we’re all in different places in our lives. One thing remains: neither time nor distance has separated a thing between us. When we come home everything is still the same. And this alone I’m truly thankful to God for. Most don’t have relationships like ours and it’s a rare beautiful gift.

I was going to leave it at that but I can literally feel the pit in the bottom of my stomach, the salt on my cheeks, and burning ache in my heart.

I’ve briefly talked about my brother-in-law’s motorcycle accident in August. He too was hit by a woman who wasn’t paying attention. Of course, we think she was drunk by the evidence but for some reason her blood alcohol content wasn’t screened at the police station. So while I can’t say for sure he was hit by a drunk driver, he was hit by someone who wasn’t paying attention and was very distracted. She didn’t even see my brother until he was on the pavement half under her car. The woman never got out of her vehicle to see if he was okay. She told dispatch that she was late for a dinner date and needed to get to the restaurant, and wanted them to hurry up so she could go. She also merely got a slap on the wrist for her actions. But I pray today, she realizes the damage she caused. My brother will never walk again. He underwent a week of intensive surgeries, spent 2 and a half months in the ICU, and around 4 months of needed physical, occupational, & vocational therapy. My brother would have made a wonderful Dad, and had a very hopeful future of meeting the right woman and walking down the aisle. He won’t do those things either. By the grace of God he’ll be able to father a child it just will be different for him, considering he can’t feel anything below the belly button. While, this all may seem silly, he’s still alive it’s a VERY hard pill to swallow. Someone so undeserving of such trauma and tragedy has to endure it every single day of his life now.

And while my dear friend was SO incredibly undeserving of this tragedy as well, it’s a painful reminder of what was yesterday and what will be tomorrow. Yesterday, a day where the sun was shining and he was still smiling. Tomorrow a day without it.

Through the struggle with my brother and waiting for an entire week to know whether or not we were burying him our beginning a very long road to recovery, the loss of my own sweet beautiful daughter, and now dear friend I have learned one thing.

Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed.

I BELIEVE in a God that is only good. He doesn’t cause these things to happen. However, he has a plan. And we’re living His plan while He’s unfolding our own stories. I desperately cling to the truth in His promises. While, we live in a broken world we’re here to bring those to Him and trust His plan while it unfolds. My friend was very much sent from God. He showed others the hope there is in Jesus. My babygirl did the same. And through my brother’s accident I learned how desperately I need my faith.

Because without Jesus, there is no hope.

And we all could use a little more hope.

If there’s anything I want out of this post it’s to educate. I strongly believe even after 1 drink you shouldn’t drive. There’s a reason alcohol is considered a drug. Don’t get me wrong here; I’m not trying to sound above it all. I enjoy a cocktail or two. But there’s a fine line. And in my small town it’s been a very, VERY fine line the last year. From my high school alone we will have lost 5 students due to car accidents that could have been avoided. Please, don’t ever drink and drive. You may think you’re fine but in hindsight you aren’t just risking your own life, you’re risking someone else’s as well.

Someone’s Mother, Father, Daughter, Son, Friend.

I can’t imagine a world without my sweet friend. I know he’s going to make Heaven a little more beautiful with his smile.

So, today I'd like to say it's the little things in life that truly mean the most. I pray y'all realize and understand the gravity of that. I pray for comfort for my friend as God calls him Home. I'm desperately praying for his family because they are awaiting a very daunting and long journey with their grief. I know that I serve a God that is the ultimate healer, and I know my friend will be healed whether it's in this life or in Heaven. I pray that he knows how many love him and have cherished his friendship and love. The lives he is going to be saving is the ultimate gift he would love to give. I know my friend would give it all if he could and wouldn't think twice about it. I pray all those that know him find comfort in that. That he is leaving this broken place healed and healing so many others. God's greatest work, I can assure you of that. 

I pray you hold the ones you love a little closer because
I can promise you: tomorrow isn’t guaranteed.

#MCstrong

xoxo 

Time Doesn't Keep

I’m linking up again with Jess and Ashley for the It’s The Little Things link up. One that I seriously love so much and look forward to writing each week. And I really enjoy reading everyone’s “little things” that often end up reminding me
to slow down too. Such an awesome link up to be a part of!

Free print download available here

When planning out Lylah’s nursery I was obsessed with figuring out the décor. I absolutely love decorating our home and knew having a fresh room, especially a nursery to do would be my heaven. I had always heard of this sweet little poem but it wasn’t until I was pregnant that I really felt the meaning of it. I knew somehow I wanted to incorporate it into the nursery. While I know this doesn’t really pertain to a puppy, I’d like to believe it kinda does for me.

Last weekend someone asked how old Jessie is and I kindly replied although, I knew what their next response would be. I told them she was two and still gets really excited around new people, much like many labs do. They are an energetic friendly breed. Of course, the person responded exactly how I had anticipated, they said oh wait until she’s 4 she’ll calm down then. Well, asswipe I don’t want her to calm down. I’m sorry her kisses and hugs are not quite what you wanted, but you walked up to us. She in no way tackled the man, jumped on him at all. She wagged her tail, licked his hands clean, and did circles around his legs getting so excited for the pets.

 

There are times when I think it’ll be nice when she gets a couple years older and wants to play a little less. And then I stop myself right there. Jessie was Austin’s birthday present two years ago. We had just moved into our very first apartment together. We were newly engaged, only two months. And we wanted a baby like yesterday, which obviously isn’t practical when you aren’t even married yet. So, I settled for the next best thing, a puppy. I searched the internet, local papers, and called breeder after breeder for a couple weeks with not much luck. Until I ran into a breeder about 30 minutes away. I knew we wanted a lab. They’re my favorite and Austin had a yellow lab growing up, Maggie (That passed away a few months after we got Jessie) Anyway, knowing we would only want a yellow female I called the breeder with high hopes. They ended up being all spoken for. I bursted into tears, with Austin’s birthday only two weeks away it was feeling like a lost cause. I begged the breeder to call me if someone backed out. Turns out that next weekend he called me and said a couple had changed their mind, and he had a yellow female available. I couldn’t keep the secret I told Austin we had a road trip that weekend to go visit his present. When we walked in all of the puppies ran to the door, and a few minutes later they waddled back to their Mama ready to feed again except for one. She sat at my feet licking my shoes and chewing my shoestrings. He told us that she was our puppy, the only one without a collar on. While Austin held her I paid the breeder and we snapped a couple pictures. He put Jessie’s new collar on her with my name on it, so they knew which one was ours and we left with the fullest hearts.

Here we are, two years later and our hearts are still so full. A few hundred dollar vet visits, three dog beds, and numerous chewed up shoes and God knows what else under our belts and we’re still so in love with Jess. I wouldn’t change any of it because I know this won’t last. Unlike that man who liked my dog just not enough that she was so hyper, I know this won’t last.

Before long she’ll be too old or sick to play like she does now. She won’t be able to take the several mile walks in the woods with us. She won’t be able to go hunting every chance Austin gets anymore. She won’t be able to run to the door when we get home so thrilled we’re finally home. She won’t be able to run laps around our backyard while Austin makes her snow forts and tunnels to run through. She won’t be able to run the perimeter checking on the barns and everything else around the farm every weekend like she does now. She won’t be able to do a lot of what she LOVES to do.

We took a hike through the woods a couple weekends ago and gosh it was amazing to see her so happy. In her element completely. Like it was any other day, just her and Dad trotting around checking things out seeing if they could find an antler shed or whatever else they wanted to do. It was beyond adorable. I usually always go with them to our farm to play but not always out in the woods. It’s a long hike and I get a little whiny (LOL ;) but this time I wanted to go. We finally had some warm weather and the sun was out. Jessie would run ahead like she always does and then she’d stop turn and look back at us like, “Come on Mama why are you taking so long.” My heart swelled up so much I cried. I couldn’t help it but I balled like a baby in those woods. Because I know, this won’t last. And that literally breaks my heart. Jessie was so ready for her sister. She knew something was coming. Dogs are so instinctive it’s crazy. She knew I was pregnant and she knew something was wrong when I went into labor. She knew something was really wrong when we came home without a baby and me sick. She never left my side ONCE while I was pregnant. Or even afterward. She laid with me for days, never moving. She knew.

I can’t wait to see her with our babies one day. I know they’ll ride her around like a pony when they’re toddlers, just like I did with my dog. They’ll trot off in the woods with us or at the farm and Jess will walk right beside them waiting for them to fall. She’ll be right there to catch them. I can’t wait for this part.

But I can. Because I know this won’t last.

Babies don’t keep. This time doesn’t keep. Before we know it we’ll be old and grey in our rocking chairs on the porch drinking teas. Before we know it everything will have changed, and we’ll have missed it if we don’t slow down to appreciate it.

I’m terrified of that. Missing things. That’s why I take a thousand pictures a day or I write constantly. I’m afraid of forgetting something, or missing a moment that may seem mundane. Because in the end those normal, mundane, regular, everyday moments in life turn out to be the most significant.

Yes, baby girl likes us to hold her paws, and when we're in the car
she has to rest her head on the center console so she is in
the middle of us.

Babies don’t keep. This time doesn’t keep. It won’t be like this for long…

(Yes, Darius Rucker lyrics intended…go listen to that song now y’all!)

Retrace Your Steps

 

Sometimes retracing your steps can bring the brightest of joys again.
Finding that pure open rawness of your heart.
And letting yourself feel that rawness.
Your hope lives there.

By finding that hope again you’re opening yourself up to the possibility of it.
To the certainty that God gives us that hope.
 It’s there, and it’s by His grace that He gives that hope to you.

I’m proof that it’s there.
I can’t tell you how many times I doubted it.
How many times I catch myself thinking maybe it isn’t there anymore.

But as soon as you go back, you stop and retrace your steps…
It’s there. He’s always there.
With open arms and grace.

This quote isn’t particularly religious or spiritual but if you read it and really think about it. Open your heart to try and understand it, I think it is.

“Retrace your steps and go back to the purest place in your heart,
where your hope lives. You’ll find your way again.”
--Everwood

I feel like that could have come straight out of God’s mouth himself.
Like the two of us are sitting down for coffee and He looks dead straight into my eyes and says, Hillary why are you questioning it? Think about this. Open your heart, feel this. It’s okay to doubt. But why are you doubting? You need to go back. Retrace your steps Hill; go back to the purest place in your heart. You know it’s there. You know I’m there. That’s where your Hope is. You knew it all along. You’ll be okay. You’ll find your way again. 
And it’ll all be okay.

Do you ever feel like that? Feel like God has been telling you something. Heard words, or a story, or saw something so magical, or beautiful that it made you stop and I mean really stop. To soak it all in. And breathe it in, realizing He sent that message for you. It’s His way of sitting down for coffee and having a conversation.

Yeah, I know it’s going to be okay.

Because I know I didn’t stumble on that quote back in my first year of college nurturing a broken heart and feeling homesick just to reread those words five years later, and once again feel how true they are.

Feel how very very true they are now.
Even more now than they were back then.
I saw the beauty in those words five years ago, but I didn’t feel those words the way I do now. But I saved them for when I would need the reminder.

God works in funny ways sometimes. I needed to have a conversation
over coffee to be reassured everything is going to be okay.
And He did that in His way.

So today, I’m grateful for a cup of coffee and that silent conversation I was craving with God. Thank you.

I’m linking up with Jess and Ashley with their, it’s the little things series. One I’m so grateful for because I get to share these words with all of you. I hope you’re able to stop and hear, or see something that reminds you just maybe,
He sent that just for you.

Sweet Reminders

I can’t believe it’s been a month of the “It’s the little things” link up with Ashley and Jess. I know I’ve enjoyed meeting new bloggers and reading some pretty special
little moments in everyone’s lives.

I’m grateful for little things that remind me I’ll make a great mama. Whenever God decides on His time to make me one again.

We visited my Goddaughter, Ryleigh on Sunday. She went from standing up and wobbling a step or two, to full on walking practically high tailing it around the entire house in about a week. Seriously. Where does the time go? Now that she’s on the move constantly it’s hard to hold her. She wants down. And right now or shit is gonna hit the fan. So when she climbed in my lap after refusing to let anyone cuddle her,
I was over the moon excited, obviously.

Then, I had the privilege of watching one of our family friend’s baby boy the other day. My heart melted. He’s seriously the best baby I’ve ever met. Never cried, never even whined. He was content and happy. I’m surprised at how quickly I picked up on his queues too. Must just be that mama instinct. Or the fact that his mommy left me a pretty good cheat sheet ;)

It’s just those little things that make ya stop and remember, God knows what He’s doing. He’ll deliver what He thinks you need in His time. The hard part is waiting.
Waiting for His plan in His time. When all you want to do is hit the ground running, much like an antsy toddler on the move.