I’m linking up again with Anna Kate and the gang on Love in Motherhood. I thought it’d be unique to tell my story by spreading this out over the course of this series. If you’ve been following along I’m telling my story a little differently. There’s still a lot I haven’t talked about and some of it starts here. If you’re just now reading this you can find my first post for this series here.

Austin and I quickly became parents after seeing those two pink lines on that stick. After many, many, many sticks y’all. I could barely hold it in and couldn’t wait to tell the entire world baby Q was cookin’ away ;)

I told Austin he was going to be a daddy by asking him to hold out his hand. I put a seed in his palm and told him that’s how big his baby was right now.
He couldn’t believe my words and I had to show him every single test to prove it.

We told our parents with this cute little picture. The significance of this tree is pretty special to us. Our wedding reception was held at Austin’s family’s farm where this tree is. A long time ago a barrel began growing in part of the trunk.
While we were preparing the farm for our big event Austin’s dad made the comment that this tree was ours. This farm was going to hold an even more special place in our hearts now because our wedding was here. So we should make the tree ours.
I painted our initials on it the day before our wedding, and now each time we go to the farm to let our dog, Jessie run around or Austin goes to hunt we always stop and gaze at the tree just a little longer.

 

Our every conversation was consumed by this little life growing inside of me. I could hardly think of anything else. The beginning wasn’t easy. I was sick constantly. I mean couldn’t keep a single thing down for weeks. So I began taking medicine my doctor prescribed to at least keep food down although, it didn’t get rid of the constant nausea. Regardless, I was instantly consumed with love for this little peanut of ours.

We began picking out nursery furniture, bedding, strollers, gliders; you name it we were on it! We picked out paint, ordered the furniture. Refinished an old dresser we had for a changing table, and a bookshelf.

I remember from the beginning I had always prayed God please give me a sweet baby girl. I’ve dreamt all my life of having a baby girl. Like y’all know, it was my biggest deepest desire of my heart. The days leading up to our appointment we talked about everything we wanted to do with them. Whether it was a boy or girl they had to go hunting with daddy, spend our afternoons cuddling, take stroller walks and runs, shop till we drop, and play. We were just so excited to have our own little one we created together. We couldn’t stop our minds from racing. We planned our little
gender reveal for our family and friends.

 

We were having a girl. And simultaneously Austin was wrapped around our sweet girl’s finger. The weeks continued and so did the planning. We registered. We painted. We had so many clothes already our family and friends had bought for our baby girl. We picked out a couple really special outfits. I was in crafting mode morning noon and night, and I loved every second of it. I made my own headbands and hair bows. Made cute décor for her room. Read every review I could for every product you could possibly need.

We were parents already. I took care of her as best as I could in my belly. I watched what I ate, limited my caffeine, took my vitamins, drank tons of water, tried to sleep as best as I could, and tried to watch my stress level.
We were already parents in our minds.
We worried over her, prayed over her, longed and wished for her arrival.
 

We were already parents.

November 10, 2013 marks a special day in our hearts. One that holds so much joy and even more pain. Early that morning I woke up at 21 weeks with very strong cramping. After about half an hour thinking I just had a stomach ache I went to the bathroom. I barely got my pants down before my water broke. It gushed out. And then tons of blood gushed out. I couldn’t move I was frozen. I started hysterically crying and Jessie could hear me. She was scratching at the door to get in. She’s good like that, she knew something was wrong and was doing everything she could to get through that door to me. I ran out screaming Austin’s name telling him
I was miscarrying, I just knew it.

As you can imagine if you’re new to my blog,
my story doesn’t have the happy ending we so desperately wished for.

Lylah Grace was born still November 10, 2013, you can read from the beginning here.

I’m a mama to an Angel baby girl in Heaven. She watches over us and sends so many smiles, kisses and hugs. The snow is our thing, and she has sent tons of it this winter to remind her mama how much she loves me.

I’m a mama, but I’m not the same type of mom that many of you are.
My baby isn’t here physically.
But I carry her heart. I carry her heart in my heart
every. single. day.

Love in Motherhood

When I stumbled upon Anna Kate’s blog Home Away From Home and read she’s hosting a “Love in Motherhood” link up I knew this was something I had to join in on. I love the mama blogging community so much already,
and I enjoy meeting new mamas and reading new stories.

I began this blog so I could write through my pain and be a testimony to God’s love and grace for us. I know deep in my heart I’m being called to do something so much bigger than myself. Something so much bigger than my Lylah Grace.
 

I know I’m being called to tell my story. By telling it, especially here, my hope is to touch just ONE woman in her hour of need. One family, one beautiful loving family in their darkest hours of hurt… I hope I’m reaching you, because you deserve to hear the words of hope and inspiration. The truth in knowing you’re not alone in your pain. The truth in knowing it’s okay to be angry. God forgives. It’s okay to hurt. To feel the pain so deeply that it rocks you to your core.

But it’s also okay to move on a little each day, it’s okay to feel happy
and hopeful again. God wants you to find hope again.

When I was a little girl and people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up I always responded, a mommy. From the time I could walk I pushed around my little toy stroller with multiple baby dolls. And I was their mama. I mimicked everything my mommy did, and she’d laugh and smile at me.

When I got a little older people would ask me what do you wanna do when you grow up, Hill? I’d always respond with the same response, you know something creative I think but I want to be a mom!

From the beginning I knew I wanted to do the opposite of what I grew up around. My parents divorced when I was about seven years old, and that was tough. My mom worked 50+ hour weeks to support me and my sister. I had to grow up fast. I was babysitting constantly in junior high and for the most part loved it. I enjoyed taking care of my sister just not so much that she got in my stuff ;)

I learned more than anything else I wanted a family. I wanted my own family. I had this deep desire to create a family with a man that loved God more than he loved me. I wanted to find a man that worked tirelessly at our relationship. I was fearful of divorce and knew early in life that, that would not be me. I wouldn’t marry a man unless I knew it was God who put him in my life.

But still they asked and my response changed a little over the years: nurse & mom, writer & mom, buyer for a major fashion company & a mama, then a writer & a mommy, and finally a nurse & a mama.

I switched my major twice in college before dropping it all and moving back home to begin studying nursing. I had two years under my belt before I met my husband and my entire world changed. I continued nursing school but knew deep in my soul God put him there just for me. God brought me the man I dreamt of.

We both knew from the beginning we wanted to start a family right away. We were married in October 2012 and began trying in December. Seven months later I found two pink lines on a little stick that I had so desperately prayed over.

I wanted to be a mama so badly. More than that though, I wanted to make my own family. It was the most important thing I wanted out of this life. I wanted a husband that appreciated and adored me as much as I did him. And I wanted babies. I always said 3 was a good number but however God wanted to bless me I would be okay with. Little did I know God would bless me much differently than I ever thought imaginable in my young years.

But again, even now I’ll tell y’all the same. What do you wanna do now Hill?
I want to be a mama. I want to be a wife, a wife God teaches me to be.
And a mama I’m learning more about each day.