What should be the day we welcomed our baby girl into this world will
forever give me a heavy heart.
Sunday, March 23, 2014.

I’ve stared at a blank screen so many times trying to come up with the words. The words for what this day means. Although, it doesn’t nearly mean as much as the day she was born it still breaks my heart to think about this day. The day that should have been one of the happiest of our lives.

I started thinking about stories.
Everyone has a story.

I think that has been my purpose so far, her story. And that may change. There may come a time where God gives me a new story, or adds to the one I’m telling now but whatever happens there’s a story to tell here. I’m not so sure it’s entirely about Lylah either. Sometimes I feel at odds with the things I’ve shared. Like at times maybe it was too much? Because it’s about her, it isn’t truly all about me, so who am I to tell her story? But she isn’t here. And one day I hope I meet her at the pearly gates and she tells me I did the right thing. That God wanted me to do it. That I helped someone. And I brought honor to her name. That God got the glory in all of it.
I so desperately pray that’s what’s to come of this.

Everyone has a story.

My Lylah girl’s story is full of hope. The Lord sent her to us to give us hope. I love resting in the truth that God made her just for us. That WE were chosen for her. God chose her, chose us, and in that we chose her.

My chosen daughter, I would relive that day and every day of my pregnancy just to feel you one more time, to hold you one more time. I chose you. And I will always choose to tell your story, to share your pretty face, and to remember it all. I will always remember we were chosen for you.

Lylah Grace lived a life some might say with more purpose than a man who lived a hundred years. She brought many to the Lord, gave hope, left a tremendous imprint on many hearts, showed what grace, faith, hope and love mean in a time it is so very hard to believe in them. She took her final breath in the safest place on this Earth, in her Mama’s womb. And the Lord called her home. Her purpose complete.
Free of any pain, she can soar.

“The amount of time on earth matters very little: a man can live in greed and pride 90 years and never find God, know Him or accomplish His Plan. A stillborn baby on the other hand, teaches people to love, brings people to the Lord, teaches us the tenuous nature of life and teaches us a faith that those who have not suffered loss can never know. A child not even breathing for an hour, can have an impact greater than a famous preacher. The purpose of life is not ours to decide nor in our hands: it is brought about by God.”
-Author Unknown

I will always carry the weight of this with me. I’m positive I will respond in the future, that the baby I’m holding isn’t my first in fact; they have a sister watching over them in Heaven. And I’m certain my future children will know their sister. Will know her name, what she did for us, and how her purpose was fulfilled because she did so much more than most can do in a lifetime.

She led those around her to God.
She made people feel love and hope again. She did so many things before she was ever born. I’m positive her life has more meaning than anyone will ever know because the only person who is responsible for it is Him. So, I’ll rest in that.

I’ll rest in knowing it wasn’t all for nothing. I didn’t go through a difficult labor and all of the pain to be ripped away from my baby. I didn’t listen to the nurses and grief staff while they handed me the only pieces left of my daughter that I’ll ever hold, just to ignore them now. I wasn’t more excited or full of joy and love in those 21 weeks only to never feel that again. I didn’t relentlessly plan and create and enjoy the process of pregnancy, what a new baby brings to a family; to never relive it again. It wasn’t all for nothing, and I know that with more purpose now than ever before.

I’ll rest in knowing that Lylah’s life meant so much more. Without her, without all of this I wouldn’t feel as strongly, as passionately, and as fiercely as I do now about every little thing. I know for certain we are destined for more, and that’s all due to Lylah Grace.

I feel at peace when I think like that. But I also sob. And my heart feels so heavy it weighs my whole body down so much I feel like I could collapse. Because sometimes, even at peace, it just doesn’t quite seem fair. That she had to go for us to learn our truth about my body. The body God made for childbirth. One of the most beautiful things a woman can do, mine was made just a little different. But we had to lose her to learn it was different. And no matter how I dissect that, what scripture I look to find the comfort, what meaning her life had, sometimes it all just isn’t enough for me.
I’m at peace with that too.

More than anything I know I’ll never take motherhood for granted. I’ll never feel the way some women do with their children. I think it’s only something a mother can feel that has lost a child. There’s no way to understand this unless you’ve been there. I’ll never wish my days away looking for more tomorrows. I’ll hold steady in the today, because that’s all you’re promised.

 

I’m not angry with God. I don’t place blame. I understand. I accept. Sometimes I’m sad. And more often than not I find the joy. I feel alive again. I breathe without feeling like it may be my last breath. And I smile. But more importantly, I fiercely feel all of it. Nothing has changed in that truth. I feel everything so much deeper than I ever did before.

To celebrate Lylah we let off some balloons and with each one made a wish. It was a cold cloudy day until I let go of the last balloon. A little ray of sunshine peeked through the clouds, and I know in my heart that was her. We said a prayer by our tree at our farm that holds so much meaning for us.

 

Lylah's story isn't over, just like ours isn't. This little girl has done so many things, and she continues to everyday. Her spirit alone has done so much good.

I didn't think this day would be such a happy one for me. But again, I was reminded of a God that loves us unconditionally and is only trying to guide us along in His plan in His time. The gentle reminder of that made this day a hundred times more happy than what I imagined it'd be. And I'm so very thankful for a God that rejoices with us but also feels the pain we feel when our hearts are broken. 

The same God that will never leave or forsake you.

My little Lylah Grace, I carry your heart I carry it in my heart. Every day baby girl.

 

 

Love in Motherhood: Already Parents

I’m linking up again with Anna Kate and the gang on Love in Motherhood. I thought it’d be unique to tell my story by spreading this out over the course of this series. If you’ve been following along I’m telling my story a little differently. There’s still a lot I haven’t talked about and some of it starts here. If you’re just now reading this you can find my first post for this series here.

Austin and I quickly became parents after seeing those two pink lines on that stick. After many, many, many sticks y’all. I could barely hold it in and couldn’t wait to tell the entire world baby Q was cookin’ away ;)

I told Austin he was going to be a daddy by asking him to hold out his hand. I put a seed in his palm and told him that’s how big his baby was right now.
He couldn’t believe my words and I had to show him every single test to prove it.

We told our parents with this cute little picture. The significance of this tree is pretty special to us. Our wedding reception was held at Austin’s family’s farm where this tree is. A long time ago a barrel began growing in part of the trunk.
While we were preparing the farm for our big event Austin’s dad made the comment that this tree was ours. This farm was going to hold an even more special place in our hearts now because our wedding was here. So we should make the tree ours.
I painted our initials on it the day before our wedding, and now each time we go to the farm to let our dog, Jessie run around or Austin goes to hunt we always stop and gaze at the tree just a little longer.

 

Our every conversation was consumed by this little life growing inside of me. I could hardly think of anything else. The beginning wasn’t easy. I was sick constantly. I mean couldn’t keep a single thing down for weeks. So I began taking medicine my doctor prescribed to at least keep food down although, it didn’t get rid of the constant nausea. Regardless, I was instantly consumed with love for this little peanut of ours.

We began picking out nursery furniture, bedding, strollers, gliders; you name it we were on it! We picked out paint, ordered the furniture. Refinished an old dresser we had for a changing table, and a bookshelf.

I remember from the beginning I had always prayed God please give me a sweet baby girl. I’ve dreamt all my life of having a baby girl. Like y’all know, it was my biggest deepest desire of my heart. The days leading up to our appointment we talked about everything we wanted to do with them. Whether it was a boy or girl they had to go hunting with daddy, spend our afternoons cuddling, take stroller walks and runs, shop till we drop, and play. We were just so excited to have our own little one we created together. We couldn’t stop our minds from racing. We planned our little
gender reveal for our family and friends.

 

We were having a girl. And simultaneously Austin was wrapped around our sweet girl’s finger. The weeks continued and so did the planning. We registered. We painted. We had so many clothes already our family and friends had bought for our baby girl. We picked out a couple really special outfits. I was in crafting mode morning noon and night, and I loved every second of it. I made my own headbands and hair bows. Made cute décor for her room. Read every review I could for every product you could possibly need.

We were parents already. I took care of her as best as I could in my belly. I watched what I ate, limited my caffeine, took my vitamins, drank tons of water, tried to sleep as best as I could, and tried to watch my stress level.
We were already parents in our minds.
We worried over her, prayed over her, longed and wished for her arrival.
 

We were already parents.

November 10, 2013 marks a special day in our hearts. One that holds so much joy and even more pain. Early that morning I woke up at 21 weeks with very strong cramping. After about half an hour thinking I just had a stomach ache I went to the bathroom. I barely got my pants down before my water broke. It gushed out. And then tons of blood gushed out. I couldn’t move I was frozen. I started hysterically crying and Jessie could hear me. She was scratching at the door to get in. She’s good like that, she knew something was wrong and was doing everything she could to get through that door to me. I ran out screaming Austin’s name telling him
I was miscarrying, I just knew it.

As you can imagine if you’re new to my blog,
my story doesn’t have the happy ending we so desperately wished for.

Lylah Grace was born still November 10, 2013, you can read from the beginning here.

I’m a mama to an Angel baby girl in Heaven. She watches over us and sends so many smiles, kisses and hugs. The snow is our thing, and she has sent tons of it this winter to remind her mama how much she loves me.

I’m a mama, but I’m not the same type of mom that many of you are.
My baby isn’t here physically.
But I carry her heart. I carry her heart in my heart
every. single. day.