Hope

I wasn’t sure how I was going to write this post. Or how would be the appropriate way to introduce my blog, I kept coming back to the reason I had in starting it in the first place. I wanted to document my journey through being a first time mama. I didn't want to forget a single thing. Why now? Two months after. I can hear Him calling to me telling me to “Tell it.” I have a story. My family has a story. This life I have I’m still here... living it because He wasn’t ready for me to go. Even though, he was ready to bring my baby Home to Him. I guess sometimes that’s the hardest part, thinking about lying in that hospital bed crying out to God, no I’m not ready to give her back. When I was ready and willing to give up my own life so she could live. That wasn’t His plan. Let’s face it, we all know the saying, you wanna hear God laugh just tell him your plans. Well, I gave him a good laugh. My type A personality with 100’s of lists, Lylah’s nursery was half ready, we had a crib, I had been crafting for weeks, and I even learned how to make my own adorable headbands. God whispered to me, “Tell it.”

I’m not in control. Gosh, that’s a really hard pill to swallow isn’t it? When you realize you’re not in control it’s like a ton of bricks hit you. I can’t do this on my own. I certainly can’t accept or understand why this happened without putting everything I have into my faith in Christ. There’s simply no explanation good enough for me except this: Lylah was never mine. She was always His. I realized this a while ago reading a devotional. God gave us Lylah to take care of while she was here. To show her love and care. But my sweet girl was always God’s daughter. He just needed her more than we did because she had already felt everything she needed to, and he had things for us that we needed to feel yet. I believe by calling Lylah home before we ever got to see her first steps or hear her first words he was teaching us to trust in his plan. Believe in his glory. By giving us this story it made us abundantly present in Him. So, that we can tell our story and show others God’s hand in everything.

 

This life I have and my story and everything I’ve been through means something. And not just to me. I’m starting a new chapter. Where this leads or what it means exactly I’m not sure. There were many people who wanted to give me advice after I lost Lylah and to tell you the truth none of it helped. But what did was reading a couple blogs of Mama’s who lost their babies. I always followed a handful of these blogs because I loved reading about products, and what these Mama’s were doing with their littles. It became a part of my routine to log on and check out what had happened over the week with some of these families in anticipation of my own little one. I remember a couple days after losing Lylah lying on the couch I felt an urge to read one of those blogs again, so I did. I was reading the comments and stumbled upon another blog Mama who I hadn’t read before. And it was there that I read such inspirational words of Hope. She was a loss Mama too. In fact she was a loss Mama more than once… and my heart and eyes just swell full of emotion. She helped me with her words of Hope in my darkest hours. So, that’s what I’m doing here. My journey is certainly far from over. I’m definitely not over the sting of the pain. I’ve accepted and am ready to move on but the pain, I think that will always be here. That isn’t going away. But I’m beginning to let go and that’s all I really wanted out of this. Even if I just touch one woman. Reach one couple in their darkest hours or sooth one family’s troubling fears and anger… it will have all been worth it. God told me to tell it. So I am. One day at a time. One chapter at a time. From one season of my life to the next.