Sometimes retracing your steps can bring the brightest of joys again.
Finding that pure open rawness of your heart.
And letting yourself feel that rawness.
Your hope lives there.

By finding that hope again you’re opening yourself up to the possibility of it.
To the certainty that God gives us that hope.
 It’s there, and it’s by His grace that He gives that hope to you.

I’m proof that it’s there.
I can’t tell you how many times I doubted it.
How many times I catch myself thinking maybe it isn’t there anymore.

But as soon as you go back, you stop and retrace your steps…
It’s there. He’s always there.
With open arms and grace.

This quote isn’t particularly religious or spiritual but if you read it and really think about it. Open your heart to try and understand it, I think it is.

“Retrace your steps and go back to the purest place in your heart,
where your hope lives. You’ll find your way again.”
--Everwood

I feel like that could have come straight out of God’s mouth himself.
Like the two of us are sitting down for coffee and He looks dead straight into my eyes and says, Hillary why are you questioning it? Think about this. Open your heart, feel this. It’s okay to doubt. But why are you doubting? You need to go back. Retrace your steps Hill; go back to the purest place in your heart. You know it’s there. You know I’m there. That’s where your Hope is. You knew it all along. You’ll be okay. You’ll find your way again. 
And it’ll all be okay.

Do you ever feel like that? Feel like God has been telling you something. Heard words, or a story, or saw something so magical, or beautiful that it made you stop and I mean really stop. To soak it all in. And breathe it in, realizing He sent that message for you. It’s His way of sitting down for coffee and having a conversation.

Yeah, I know it’s going to be okay.

Because I know I didn’t stumble on that quote back in my first year of college nurturing a broken heart and feeling homesick just to reread those words five years later, and once again feel how true they are.

Feel how very very true they are now.
Even more now than they were back then.
I saw the beauty in those words five years ago, but I didn’t feel those words the way I do now. But I saved them for when I would need the reminder.

God works in funny ways sometimes. I needed to have a conversation
over coffee to be reassured everything is going to be okay.
And He did that in His way.

So today, I’m grateful for a cup of coffee and that silent conversation I was craving with God. Thank you.

I’m linking up with Jess and Ashley with their, it’s the little things series. One I’m so grateful for because I get to share these words with all of you. I hope you’re able to stop and hear, or see something that reminds you just maybe,
He sent that just for you.

Love in Motherhood: Already Parents

I’m linking up again with Anna Kate and the gang on Love in Motherhood. I thought it’d be unique to tell my story by spreading this out over the course of this series. If you’ve been following along I’m telling my story a little differently. There’s still a lot I haven’t talked about and some of it starts here. If you’re just now reading this you can find my first post for this series here.

Austin and I quickly became parents after seeing those two pink lines on that stick. After many, many, many sticks y’all. I could barely hold it in and couldn’t wait to tell the entire world baby Q was cookin’ away ;)

I told Austin he was going to be a daddy by asking him to hold out his hand. I put a seed in his palm and told him that’s how big his baby was right now.
He couldn’t believe my words and I had to show him every single test to prove it.

We told our parents with this cute little picture. The significance of this tree is pretty special to us. Our wedding reception was held at Austin’s family’s farm where this tree is. A long time ago a barrel began growing in part of the trunk.
While we were preparing the farm for our big event Austin’s dad made the comment that this tree was ours. This farm was going to hold an even more special place in our hearts now because our wedding was here. So we should make the tree ours.
I painted our initials on it the day before our wedding, and now each time we go to the farm to let our dog, Jessie run around or Austin goes to hunt we always stop and gaze at the tree just a little longer.

 

Our every conversation was consumed by this little life growing inside of me. I could hardly think of anything else. The beginning wasn’t easy. I was sick constantly. I mean couldn’t keep a single thing down for weeks. So I began taking medicine my doctor prescribed to at least keep food down although, it didn’t get rid of the constant nausea. Regardless, I was instantly consumed with love for this little peanut of ours.

We began picking out nursery furniture, bedding, strollers, gliders; you name it we were on it! We picked out paint, ordered the furniture. Refinished an old dresser we had for a changing table, and a bookshelf.

I remember from the beginning I had always prayed God please give me a sweet baby girl. I’ve dreamt all my life of having a baby girl. Like y’all know, it was my biggest deepest desire of my heart. The days leading up to our appointment we talked about everything we wanted to do with them. Whether it was a boy or girl they had to go hunting with daddy, spend our afternoons cuddling, take stroller walks and runs, shop till we drop, and play. We were just so excited to have our own little one we created together. We couldn’t stop our minds from racing. We planned our little
gender reveal for our family and friends.

 

We were having a girl. And simultaneously Austin was wrapped around our sweet girl’s finger. The weeks continued and so did the planning. We registered. We painted. We had so many clothes already our family and friends had bought for our baby girl. We picked out a couple really special outfits. I was in crafting mode morning noon and night, and I loved every second of it. I made my own headbands and hair bows. Made cute décor for her room. Read every review I could for every product you could possibly need.

We were parents already. I took care of her as best as I could in my belly. I watched what I ate, limited my caffeine, took my vitamins, drank tons of water, tried to sleep as best as I could, and tried to watch my stress level.
We were already parents in our minds.
We worried over her, prayed over her, longed and wished for her arrival.
 

We were already parents.

November 10, 2013 marks a special day in our hearts. One that holds so much joy and even more pain. Early that morning I woke up at 21 weeks with very strong cramping. After about half an hour thinking I just had a stomach ache I went to the bathroom. I barely got my pants down before my water broke. It gushed out. And then tons of blood gushed out. I couldn’t move I was frozen. I started hysterically crying and Jessie could hear me. She was scratching at the door to get in. She’s good like that, she knew something was wrong and was doing everything she could to get through that door to me. I ran out screaming Austin’s name telling him
I was miscarrying, I just knew it.

As you can imagine if you’re new to my blog,
my story doesn’t have the happy ending we so desperately wished for.

Lylah Grace was born still November 10, 2013, you can read from the beginning here.

I’m a mama to an Angel baby girl in Heaven. She watches over us and sends so many smiles, kisses and hugs. The snow is our thing, and she has sent tons of it this winter to remind her mama how much she loves me.

I’m a mama, but I’m not the same type of mom that many of you are.
My baby isn’t here physically.
But I carry her heart. I carry her heart in my heart
every. single. day.