Love in Motherhood: Letting Go

This is the final post for the series, Love in Motherhood over at Home Away From Home, A Mama Collective, Defining My Happy, and When At Home.

Although, I really doubt this is the last time I write about love in motherhood.

Letting go of Lylah was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Giving my nurse the nod to make the call. For her to tell the funeral home to come and pick her up. I remember that part like it was yesterday. I chose to have Lylah stay with us that night in the hospital. I wasn’t ready. I couldn’t let her go just yet. The next morning we were being discharged, and I had the strongest urge in my heart that I needed to hold her until they came for her. Holding her lifeless body until they came was all I could do to protect her anymore. So we waited. We prayed. We held her. And I relentlessly told her how much I loved her.

All of us as mothers will at one point have to relentlessly tell our babies how much we love them as we let them go. Whether it is when you send them off to school, they go off to college, as you watch their daddy walk them down the aisle, or you bury them. It’s all hard. Letting go is so very hard, no matter the circumstance.

This woman, I can’t remember her name, but she was in charge of the hospital, she came in with a little brown wicker basket lined with a baby blanket.

My throat closed up and my eyes stung so badly. The tears began to well in my eyes again and then I felt them fall. I had to tell myself to stop. I needed to focus on her face. I buried my soaked face in hers and kissed her forehead. Please always know mommy loves you more than you could ever imagine. Jesus will take care of you now, both your great nanas and papas are there. Both your great aunts and your great uncle. There are so many people waiting at the gates for you. I know they showed you a wonderful welcome. Tell them hello.

Lylah mama and daddy need you now. We need you to help us. Send us signs to let us know you’re here with us. God knows I already miss you. I’m trying so hard to memorize your smell, your features, everything. But I need help. I need you to reassure me when I get so sad I can’t breathe that you’re here baby.

I re-swaddled her in her pink hospital blanket. She was wearing a tiny white dress with a pink rose near the collar; it had lace and pink ribbon trim that tied in a bow, and a matching hat.

I remember the woman said oh, she’s just beautiful. I’m so sorry. She sat the basket down on my hospital bed. We placed her in it. And then before I could open my eyes again the woman slipped out the door.

And I sobbed. Harder than I ever have. And Austin held me and cried and stroked my hair. Oh, I remember this like it was yesterday.

 One of the questions I asked after getting home from the hospital was I’m still a mama right? I asked Austin, my mom, my mother in law. They all said of course you are Hill, she was your baby. You loved her. You took care of her. Just because she’s gone doesn’t mean you aren’t her mama anymore.

So…

What makes a mother?

Do you have to go through child birth?
Do you have to be pregnant?
Do you have to have your kids here daily to take care of?

I don’t think any of those things.

You may have miscarried your baby.
You may have adopted or had a surrogate.
And you may have buried your baby.

But you’re still a mother.

A mother is someone who has felt that indescribable love for a little life they so desperately prayed, wished, hoped, and longed for.

A mother is someone whose arms may be empty.
Who may never have even seen their baby.

While many define themselves as mothers by taking care of their kids each day, I can’t define myself that way because my baby isn’t here to do those things.

But I believe I’m a mother.

I take care of her grave.
I still pray over her every day.
All I get may be visiting her grave but that makes me just as
much a mother as anyone else.

I’ve buried my baby.

I don’t think you need to find what defines you as a mother.
I think you need to find what you love about being a mother.

I love being Lylah’s mama. I LOVE making this little girl’s name known. I will talk about her until I’m blue in the face.
Her short life, her memory makes me a mother.

I loved her before I even knew her. I loved her from the time I saw two pink lines on that stick. I loved her from the moment I said, “I do” to her daddy on that alter. Because by saying, “I do” it meant saying, “I will” to a life full of love together creating our family and building our dreams. Even through the pain.

My beautiful baby girl, your mama loved you before you were ever born.
The moment I laid my eyes on you everything changed in my heart.

I’m a mama and I’m more than honored and proud to be Lylah Grace’s mommy.

Because that baby girl deserves the honor.
God deserves the glory.

My story isn’t over, it’s only begun and I have Lylah to thank for that.
Her and God.

Wonderfully and fearfully made.

Forever my baby,
as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be.

“So now you see what makes a Mother – It’s the feeling in your heart.
It’s the love you had so much of, right from the very start.”
Author unknown